As a parent who has decided to file for divorce or a parent who has been filed against, few things are more painful than hearing your child say they would rather live with your ex. It’s hard not to take that as an affront to your ability, but it’s also important that you keep it together for the sake of your child. This is not the time to get selfish, especially if you want a long-term relationship of any value with your son or daughter.
To stop yourself from making a mistake during this critical time in the child’s development, try adhering to the following tips.
1. Keep Your Relationship With Your Ex Separate To The One You Have With Your Child.
When you’ve just finalized divorce papers, it can be difficult seeing the complexity of the situation, specifically as in, “How could my child love me if they also love that no-good double-crosser who did me wrong?” Back yourself off that ledge; it leads to ruin. The relationship you had/have with your ex revolves around an entirely different set of principles. You look at him or her and see the double-crosser, while your child sees Mom/Dad, the same as they see you. They aren’t colored by the same experience and shouldn’t have to live by the same set of rules.
2. Dot Your I’s And Cross Your T’s.
If your child comes to you and says in no uncertain terms, “I want to live with Mom” or “I want to live with Dad,” step away from the emotional element briefly in order to cover your legal bases. If you’re the custodial parent, make sure those same rights that you have toward your child’s well-being are transferred to the other parent. You don’t want to be blamed for something stupid they do on a technicality. Make sure they have full right of consent.
3. Don’t Seek Revenge.
Vengeance is ugly and it can come in two forms. You might feel betrayed by your child, and you may want to destroy the relationship they have with their other parent. Avoid these childish overreactions and give your kids permission to love who they want to love. It doesn’t mean they’ll stop loving you.
Regardless of your feelings for the ex now that your divorce forms are final, try to nurture your child, respect their decisions, and be a positive part of their life. It may not be easy hearing they no longer want to live with you, but by staying the course, it won’t matter where they are. You’ll always be in their hearts.