We’ve all heard of pre-wedding jitters. Getting married is loaded with meaning and weighed down by a not so distant conjoined future. Many chalk up the jitters to wanting the wedding to go smoothly and exactly as planned down to every detail. But more often than not, cold feet are a symptom of seeing the looming, mysterious future ahead of the soon-to-be husband or wife, hand in hand with their partner, and second-guessing if it’s the right decision.
Instead of brushing off the jitters and plunging into the marriage full-speed, psychologists are suggesting all couples go through pre-wedding counseling to face and work through real or potential issues that tend to show up after the wedding bliss dies down. Doing so may not only rid the couple of cold feet and stress, but also prepare them for complications down the road that could lead to filing for divorce.
Dealing with Problems Before They Happen
It’s easy to be preoccupied with the fluff and frivolity of wedding planning, when couples should really focus on aligning the goals and details of their lifelong marriage. As psychotherapist Annie Block Pearl describes in a CBS news article, “I realized that people get involved with the gown, with the planning, with the flowers and how everything is going to look, and don’t think as much of the incredible transformation they are going through in their lives.” It’s as if couples zoom in on the pearly gate instead of the following journey that will unravel after they pass through it.
Pearl’s theory is that even if couples have been together for long or have lived together, being married is a slightly different story, since it brings in two different sets of expectations and inherited traditions of what makes up a successful marriage and family. A man and women are fully combining their lives, with all the beliefs, hopes, and habits that accompany them.
The preventative psychology of wedding therapy, or pre-marital counseling, serves to pull all of those unspoken preconceived notions and questions out in the open for discussion and compromise. Talking it through beforehand can help prevent potential future disagreements about key matters such children and money. “You’d be surprised how many couples don’t have those conversations before they get married, “ says another psychotherapist, Jocelyn Charnas, in the article.
Facing the Future
Some might say they’ll think about those marital matters as they come, romantically assuming their partnership is already aligned perfectly, like the stars in the heavens. Others are more precautionary, either wanting to do their first marriage right from the get-go, or not wanting to repeat past marriages that got sidetracked by the divorce process. I’d say the precautionary path is the wiser one.
While being optimistic for the future is beneficial, being realistic is also necessary. Making sure all of your ducks are in a row both for the wedding and the actual marriage that follows will ensure that your stars really are aligned and the future will be bright.
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