Children are very simplistic in how they think about the roles of Mom, Dad, and family, for the most part. There is kind of a Mother Nature default that causes a child to expect two parents in order to feel stable. When one of you decides to file for divorce, that can upset their apple cart, so to speak, and issues can arise.
While much of a child’s coping plays out over time, how you approach them with the news plays a major role in how well they adjust. Here’s how to do it the right way.
First: Practice.
We suggest writing out what you wish to say, working together on the approach, and then, when the time comes, telling them together. They need to see a unified front that this is the decision that has been made, or else instability is going to win. It doesn’t mean they will be happy, but they will at least have the info they need for what comes next.
Secondly: Prep Yourself With The Knowledge This Is Just The Beginning.
Don’t think you’re “out of the woods” or that “the work has been done” simply because your child has accepted that you and your spouse will file divorce papers. This is a complex issue, and for a child, it isn’t immediately resolved with the reveal. Your child will likely have questions, concerns, and insecurities that arise from the news that his parents are no longer going to be together. Our suggestion here: if you feel things went well telling your child about the divorce together, then continue to work through any known issues with one another instead of against. Be prepared for what can go wrong and have a bilateral plan for responding.
Thirdly: Establish Routines.
Routines may sound boring, but they’re very helpful because they infuse structure. When a child’s world has been rocked by the reality of divorce forms, he needs structure to feel stable again. Make sure that you and your ex are committed to establishing your own routines and respecting theirs. If a child knows what to expect from the world moving forward, the harshness of a divorce will smooth out over time.