Divorce is devastating to families. Children are especially effective. Though children can be resilient if the best tools are available to help them cope, they can also be greatly vulnerable and impressionable. Children look up to their parents, and when the two of you get a divorce, you feel like you are letting them down. The urge to overcompensate and “make up” for it are fierce.
So what steps do you take to handle the situation in the most delicate way possible? And how can you forgive yourself so you are able to be a good parent to your child? Here are some tips for helping your kids during divorce and how to give your kids a great childhood.
- Practice open communication. Don’t brush everything under the rug and avoid the elephant in the room. Talk to your children about the divorce and how they feel. Let them be angry. Make sure they understand that the two of you are there for them, regardless of the divorce. Make sure they know that you and your ex put them first.
- Create a stable environment. You can’t control what your ex does after divorce, but you can control what you choose to do. Psychology Today stresses the importance of stability. They explain, “Because we know that children benefit from stability, we can focus on establishing new routines that work in our newly structured lives.” Make sure your child feels safe, cared for, loved, and cherished in your new home. Avoid too many casual relationships, and keep emotional breakdowns to yourself for a while.
- Avoid badmouthing your ex to your children. As tempting as it is to turn your child against your ex and gain their support, avoid it at every step of the way. According to Café Mom, “If you find that you’ve always got your ex’s name coming out of your mouth with some negative comment attached, chances are, you don’t just look bitter. You probably are bitter.” Badmouthing your ex to your child is incredibly confusing and cruel. Avoid it at all costs. Complain to your friends instead.
- Make them feel loved. In the chaos that ensures after a divorce, one of the best tips for helping your kids after divorce is making sure they know how important they are to you. This doesn’t mean spoiling them by buying new toys or taking them on trips. This means showing up to their sporting events, going to PTA meetings, and helping them with their homework.
- Avoid competing with your ex. Most parents feel guilty after a divorce. The only way they know how to make it better is by showering their children with gifts, or letting them get away with bad behavior. It can equally become a competition between you and your ex for getting the “Coolest Parent” award. Stop. Competing with your ex by spoiling your child will help nobody. Your child will know that your guilt controls you, and will use it to their advantage. Your ex will be resentful, and the relationship between them and your child may suffer. Remember, providing a stable situation is key. Children need boundaries.
- Make the best of your divorce. Yes, a divorce can be harmful to children. So can staying in a bad marriage full of fights and silent treatments. The best way to help your child become a successful, emotionally stable adult is by proving to them that things can be better. Use this opportunity to build a stronger, healthier relationship with your child. It’s the best way to help your kids transition through divorce.
Making sure your children feel loved is something that you shouldn’t ignore. It can be hard for your children during the divorce so you will want to let them know you are there for them. You can take them out for a fun time, or just dedicate more time to being there for them! That can hopefully help them feel better.