If you have decided to file for divorce after a decade or two of marriage, then you can very well relate to what Chris Rock and Nicholas Sparks are going through with their wives. The two celebrities had been with their wives, had children with them, and shared their hopes and dreams for more than 20 years, yet somehow, they couldn’t make it work.
It’s enough to terrify anyone thinking of getting married, but that’s because there is a fear of the unknown at work. How could couples like the Rocks and the Sparks not have seen it coming early on?
Well, Dr. Jane Greer has an answer. In a recent post for HuffPo, she had this to say, and it’s the most brilliant thing we’ve read about how two long-time spouses can end up signing divorce papers. Her words:
“When two people begin their life together they are not only determined to make it work, they are also hopeful and in love. Because of this they might each agree to things their new spouse wants: when they will have children, how many they might have, whether or not they will move to Chicago to live near his aging parents. Whatever it is, they are in it together. They are willing to set aside some of their own needs for the greater good of the couple. However as time goes by these choices might start to feel like sacrifices.
“As I wrote about in What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship, whenever there are two people who want two different things, one person is eventually going to feel that they’ve given up more than the other. It comes down to what I call the “me” versus the “we,” basically what each person needs to be happy as an individual versus what is needed for the greater good of the family. Giving in to your spouse’s requests, or to the “we,” is much easier to do when your union is full of romance and optimism. It is also necessary to get a marriage off the ground. When things settle down, however, and you enter everyday life and become more jaded, this pull and push can become difficult and eventually take its toll.”
So what’s a couple to do? Well, before they get married, they need to bring up this sort of thing and not be blinded by hope, love, and devotion. They need to realize that there will be a day when the honeymoon is over and the grind kicks in. Would they be willing to have the same answers in 20 years without blaming their partner for perceived sacrifices? If they’re not sure of that, then they may ought to reconsider the marriage because divorce forms could very well be in their futures whether it’s four or 25 years ahead.