Perhaps the most terrifying part of the divorce process is the thoughts someone has about their life after divorce. Many people think that getting a divorce will solve all their problems, that it is the other person’s fault, and if they really knew/loved me, they would understand. But it takes two to tango, as they say. Rarely is it so simple that one person is a saint, and the other person is a seeming embodiment of evil in a relationship.
No, we all play some role in how things transpire, and although it may sound harsh or callous (depending on the circumstances), each person is responsible for what happens in a marriage. At some point, inner knowledge tells us that we cannot live under the illusion that we were meant to live our lives with this person for the rest of eternity. Many choose not to listen to this voice out of fear–fear that they will either lose something they think they need, or fear that they will not get something they think they need–and get stuck in the continuous loop that is an unhappy relationship.
If you can save your marriage, do so. If you can’t, and yet you have not left, then maybe you should ask yourself why. Whether or not you file for divorce, you should seek counseling if only to help you vent in a healthy environment with people who are qualified to advise you. Your friends will want to appeal to you in almost all cases, which can really feel spectacular, but it does little to actually help you do anything about the root(s) of the problem(s) that caused the divorce in the first place.
The last thing someone who is recently divorced should do is rush into another relationship. Being divorced hurts, it is lonely, and it takes a lot of getting used to–especially if you have been married for a healthy chunk of time. But eventually, those feelings and emotions come to pass. Sure, there is always some hurt that remains, but just because we have an emotion does not mean we have to act on it. Sometimes that hurt can be a powerful tool and show us things about ourselves that we otherwise wouldn’t know, like that we are stronger than we thought, that we are more capable, and that we can do better in many aspects of our lives.
In the words of Richard Rayner, “Suffering is the tuition one pays for a character degree.”
This, too, shall pass. It is a cliché, but those sayings end up that way for a reason. It is natural and it is okay to feel depressed after a divorce. In fact, it would probably be a bit odd if you didn’t. But, you don’t need to find the fastest solution to fix how you’re feeling. This is a time that will certainly be dark, but it is only temporary. It is a moment every person who has a divorce goes through, and rarely is it as frightening in actuality as it is in our minds.