Divorce claims anywhere between 40 and 50 percent of all marriages, but just because a marriage stays together, that doesn’t mean it’s a good thing for the parties involved. Take, for instance, the phenomenon of the controlling spouse. As Huffington Post puts it, “A healthy relationship partner supports you in having your own life, interests, and outside friends without feeling guilty or intimidated. Be wary of a spouse who wants to know who you talk to, where you go and how much money you spend daily.”
This is sage advice, but the problem for many married people is that they don’t realize their spouse is controlling until they’re locked into the marriage — sometimes with children — and they feel like they’re in too deep to get out.
It can be hard leaving a marriage, but if your spouse is controlling, you should consider it. Here’s why.
1. Controlling people are often deflecting their true nature onto you.
If your spouse is too controlling over money, it could have something to do with how he mismanages it. If she doesn’t trust you around the opposite sex, it could be because she cheated. If your spouse doesn’t want you to have friends of your own, it’s because he or she isn’t secure in the relationship. Don’t be made to pay for someone else’s foibles. More often than not, that’s what excessive control is all about — guilt and deflection.
2. Controlling people devalue you as a person.
If they don’t trust you to have your own life, they are essentially telling you that you are not a trustworthy person. That you are lucky they found you and kept you from destroying yourself, essentially. No person deserves that type of devaluation. Don’t let your spouse torpedo your self-esteem by making all your decisions for you and keeping you shut off from the outside world. You’re better than that.
3. Controlling people are hard to change.
Controlling people are difficult to reform because they often will not listen to reason, and it can be difficult summoning the courage to confront. And if you are able to confront them, there are no guarantees that it will do any good. If there is love there, you may owe it to yourself to try. But don’t stay in a marriage and accept the status quo. You owe it to yourself more to realize your worth as a person.
Do you have a controlling spouse, or were you able to escape one? What advice would you share?
My first husband was a very controlling and abusive person. Which of course I didn’t find out until we moved in together. He cut me off from my friends and family,saying they were no good and are the reason I was so pitiful. He told me I had hit platinum finding a man like him. He controlled how I dressed, who I spoke , everything. He even abused my then three year old boy. Leaving deep, very visible bruises on my baby boy. He would even get jealous when my son would come sit on my lap and talk to me. My son soon became scared to talk to me. That was it. I waited till he left one night and went to a domestic violence shelter,and never looked back. My advice is,don’t wait like I did. Hoping it’ll get better,hoping he’ll change. He won’t. Always put your children first. Men come and go,but your kids are a part if you,and will remember if you put them first or not. They don’t deserve to be beaten and depressed,and neither does anyone else. I couldn’t even work. And the one time I was “allowed” to, he took my money.please,who ever reads this,please don’t ignore the warning signs. A snake that sheds its skin is still a snake. Do what’s best for you and your children.
I had a similar story. I was isolated due to military living. He decided he would take care of me and our new born child by signing himself off to uncle sam. We spent time apart being newlyweds and me being a new mommy. I lost my weight, we moved to vegas, I worked a part time job then moved to full time, made good chunk of money and he controlled it. I left him alone with our son and my son got out of our home without him knowing. He was busy playing video games. I was out the door for 5 minutes til he realized it, had to leave work and talk to cops. Second time he was passed out and I was further away at work and cops talked to him and me, and I took money that was mine I had worked for bought plane tickets and left. No money, starting new, and they can’t even nail him for child support. I just assume he quit trying to act like he gives a damn and relinquish his rights. I would hate to get him on neglect and deem him unfit, but I will of I have too. I should have never said anything to him about being pregnant, I was out the door before that news. Only stuck around thinking the baby would change the love we had bc I bore him a beautiful son.haha.