When mom and dad decide to file for divorce, it can make life incredibly difficult on the children. Kids start to feel like they share some guilt in the breakup, even though that isn’t the case. And as you attempt to get your own life on track, it’s possible to lose sight of their struggles. You certainly don’t want to do it on purpose, but it’s possible that you could find yourself divorcing the children along with your spouse. In that spirit, we’ve put together some tips for stopping that from happening. Here we go!
One: Realize that however bad you feel about the divorce, your kids feel 10 times worse.
Once the divorce papers are final — and really, all through the process — your kids are going to feel about 10 times worse than you do. That’s because they don’t have the emotional or mental development to process the feelings that made the decision to divorce necessary. Biologically, they’re still geared towards a nuclear family mindset, and the lack of that can lead them to confusion, embarrassment, and guilt. They’re not privy to the same feelings and knowledge that you have, and that makes divorce incredibly hard to process.
Two: Transform the negative feelings you have for your ex into healthy focus directed at your children.
Many couples spend so much time hating on each other during the process as well as after the divorce forms are final, and as a result, they lose sight of their children. Instead of letting negativity win the day, make note of every moment you think a negative thought about your spouse, and instead re-focus it towards your children, and the fact that they need you. Think about what they’re doing today, what their hobbies and interests are, what a good thing you could do together would be, etc. Use negativity as a Pavlovian response of sorts — one that will remind you to think something positive about your children.
Three: Make time for them.
Goodwill is not enough. Your kids also need action. If you can start to empathize with their position more and think about them positively every time the desire to think about your ex negatively arises, then it becomes easier to plan chunks of your life where the kids are a part of it. Make the most of the time you have with them, even if it’s on the weekends only, and try to reach out with a text message or phone call during the week.
By employing the tips listed above, you can ensure that the divorce doesn’t claim your children as well. Best of luck in striking that balance.